“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.
And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.
For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly.”
- From the novel, ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran
Words are interesting things. On their own, they have specific individual meaning. However, when put together with other words, they form statements that often stop us in our tracks. I had this experience recently while reading about NASCAR Driver Brad Keselowski.
In this article, he shares what he is learning from the philosophy of stoicism and the following statement made me pump my brakes (pun intended):
…a lot of people run from pain. Over time you start to realize that pain is your body flushing out weakness.
We spend most of our lives running from pain and doing everything in our power to avoid it. I wonder how this view could help us during challenging times?
Human beings appear to be the only mortal finite beings who wish to transcend their finitude. Thus they are the only emotional beings who wish not to be emotional, who wish to withhold these acknowledgments of neediness and to design for themselves a life in which these acknowledgments have no place. This means that they frequently learn to reject their own vulnerability and to suppress awareness of the attachments that entail it. We might also say … that they are the only animals for whom neediness is a source of shame, and who take pride in themselves to the extent to which they have allegedly gotten clear of vulnerability.
There are many ways to define humility. Some common definitions are:
thinking less of yourself
putting others first
not looking down on others
(my personal favorite) properly assessing who you are.
Ultimately, every definition involves the concept of going low. However, there is a difference between going low and staying low. The former speaks to a moment, while the other speaks of a lifestyle. While a moment of humility is good, a lifestyle of humility changes everything. We are far more likely to regret being prideful than being humble. It’s often hard, but it always pays off.
Everyone talks. More specifically, everyone talks about someone else, either with admiration or contempt. Someone once said to me, “if every person knew what their friends said about them, there wouldn’t be 5 friends in the world”. Interestingly, that awareness can produce a sense of emotional steadiness.
Here’s a quote by the Stoic philosopher Epictetus that drives the point home:
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you, but answer: He was ignorant of my other faults else he would not have mentioned these alone.
When you hear someone has said something about you (this always comes around) always remember - if they only knew, they would’ve said more. Take the high road.
“When a population becomes distracted by trivia, when cultural life is redefined as a perpetual round of entertainments, when serious public conversation becomes
a form of baby-talk, when, in short, a people become an audience,
and their public business a vaudeville act, then a nation finds itself at risk;
culture-death is a clear possibility.”
― Neil Postman
Aging is an interesting experience. The young desire to be old and the old desire to be young. Whether young or old, it seems we focus more on the past or the future instead of the present. Don’t get me wrong - there’s nothing wrong with appreciating the past. As we grow, we tend to have seasons of life when we appreciate the life of our ancestors, immediate and distant. Our great concern is staying in touch with our past.
There’s also nothing wrong with planning for the future and, as Andy Stanley puts it, “visioneering”. Our concern then is achieving our dreams and the vision we have for our lives. When we are preoccupied with what was or what will be, we miss out on what is. There are many surprises in the present - we just need to stop long enough to enjoy the scenery.
No one talks to us more than we do. We are the most influential people in our own lives. Whether we are conscious of it or not, we are always talking to ourselves. It happens so fast because it is instinctively in our DNA - This isn’t crazy, it’s just being human. Our self talk has the ability to shape what we believe, which ultimately determines our behavior.
Since we talk to ourselves more than anyone else, what we say to ourselves is of the upmost importance. What are you saying to yourself when things don’t go your way? How about when they do? It is important to develop a rhythm of monitoring our self-talk…there’s much to discover when we do.
It seems blaming is part of the human experience. Everyone does it at some point, or at many points. Because it seems to natural, we may not be aware of its deceptiveness. Blaming creates a false sense of action. It creates the illusion of progress and responsibility. All it does is moves the spotlight from us. That may seem safe, but when that happens we are left in darkness.
Blaming robs us of the human need of visibility and acceptance. We all want to be seen and known.
Blaming often disguises itself as the pursuit of justice. But, here is what I know:
When we are wronged, we want justice. When we are wrong, we want mercy.
Be careful with blame, it has its own agenda. Don’t play the blame game, no one wins - except blame itself.
In the quiet hours when we are alone and there is nobody to tell us what fine fellows we are, we come sometimes upon a moment in which we wonder, not how much money we are earning, nor how famous we have become, but what good we are doing.
Everyone communicates. Whether verbal or non-verbal, we all have a way of sending a message. Communication is the means through which we learn, understand and make sense out of our lives and the lives of others. Where there is a lack of communication, we typically form our own stories.
I once heard someone say, “The biggest problem with communication is thinking that you have communicated”. The intention to communicate isn’t enough to sustain a relationship (read that again). In fact, intentions that don’t lead to actions aren’t beneficial. I’ve found that to be true in any relationship - business or personal.
It is important to take time to not only communicate, but to ensure the other person understands what has been communicated. Only then, have we started to communicate.
Very profound statement made by Blaise Pascal:
“Let each of us examine his thoughts; he will find them wholly concerned with the past or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means, the future alone our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.”
How can you be alive to the present moment? Remember, tomorrow is not promised to us - the present, is a present. Let’s enjoy it!
I remember growing up hearing about the idea of a gold-digger. In my environment, a gold-digger was a woman who was with a man only because of his wealth. She didn’t necessarily care about the man per-se (although she could grow to love him), it was more about the “gold”. Guys, don’t be an emotional gold-digger.
This article talks about how men are guilty of “emotional gold-digging”. Guys...READ IT. It’s ok to have a brotherhood. It’s ok to engage your emotional life, it’s a part of who we are anyway. When we neglect our emotional life, it’s like washing a car because the check engine light came on. Life is about popping the hood and exploring the inside. It might sound weak, but it’s not. I’m happy that I’m in a generation of men that are doing this work.
Ability doesn’t justify activity. In other words, just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should. If we act simply because we can, without thinking about the implications of our actions, we do ourselves and others a dis-service.
In some instances, the best action is inaction. For example, if we are enabling dysfunctional behavior in others, we should reconsider those actions. If we are doing the same thing, but expecting different results (insanity), we should reconsider our actions.
What are some things you should stop doing? Are they evident to you?
Optimism pulls on the noblest parts of our humanity. We are encouraged to always believe the best and always think positive. It is similar to the concept of looking at the glass half full as opposed to half empty. But I realize that optimism, if not grounded on something more foundational, could be a detriment to ourselves and others.
Optimism detached from realism is an unrealistic wish.
How realistic are we with our optimism? It’s unrealistic to expect change by simply wishing things will change. Instead of being optimistic, what if we focused on being real?
What would “being real” look like for you?
One of the sad things today is that so many people are frightened by the wonder of their own presence. They are dying to tie themselves into a system, a role, or to an image, or to a predetermined identity that other people have actually settled on for them. This identity may be totally at variance with the wild energies that are rising inside in their souls. Many of us get afraid and eventually compromise. We settle for something that is safe, rather than engaging the danger and the wildness that is in our hearts.
- John O’Donohue, Walking In Wonder
Desire is core to what it means to be human. Relationships are determined by it. Business is driven by it. World systems rise and fall because of it. Here’s why…
Desires signal what’s important. They are designed to remind us of what we lack as well as what we long to have. Our desires are not inherently bad, but they can be unhealthy and potentially damaging. For example, it is possible to desire a right thing, for the wrong reason.
“If you want to make a man happy, don’t add to him riches...take away from his desires”
I’m not suggesting that the suppression of desire is the solution to our problems, but it is important to allow it to inform and guide us to what is really important. What are your deepest desires pointing to?
One of the earliest lessons my mother taught me was never to take what didn’t belong to me. And if I ever did, I would have to own what came with what I took. It wasn’t “if you break it you buy it”, it was “if you take it you’ll get broken”. Obviously, this applied to physical things but the principle applies to our emotional lives as well.
Without adequate boundaries, we accept and assume ownership of things that don’t belong to us. I’ve come to the realization that some of my times of distress were the result of taking on the emotional distress of someone else. For example, if you spend enough time with an anxious person, you’ll entertain worry and suspicion - if you aren’t careful.
One of the keys to growing in wisdom is owning your emotions, not the emotions of others.
“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing” - Oscar Wilde
Cynicism disguises itself as wit or intelligence, but at its core, it is empty. It’s hard to appreciate the value of something if you’re skeptical about it. It takes more energy to be cynical than appreciative. In fact, cynicism will eventually turn in on itself and devalue self-worth. Appreciate who you are. Appreciate others. Apppreciate life.
One of the most exciting and energetic forms of thought is the question. I always think that the question is like a lantern. It illuminates new landscapes and new areas as it moves. Therefore, the question always assumes that there are many different dimensions to a thought that you are either blind to or that are not available to you. So a question is really one of the forms in which wonder expresses itself.
- John O’ Donohue, Walking In Wonder
The personal website of Samuel St. Fleur geared towards faith, wisdom and leadership.
