Ways to nullify Leadership: Co-Dependency

Anything worth doing is worth doing with others. One of the great privileges in life is leading others. Teamwork makes the dream work, right? However, if left unchecked, this value can be a coverup for co-dependent relationships.

In other words, if you want to nullify leadership, become co-dependent. How do you know if you are codependent? Here are some examples worth evaluating:

• Using loyalty as an excuse for in-action.

• Taking responsibility for someone else’s dysfunction.

You ever wondered how people that have a seemingly dysfunctional relationship remain together? A person can express contempt for the person they are in relationship with, but remain. Why? Soren Kierkegaard gives an astute observation - expressing contempt is still a demonstration of dependence.

You see how that works? Don’t be the leader that talks negatively about those under your leadership. It might not be evidence that you’re better. It might be evidence that you’re co-dependent.

Leadership Lessons from 2021

2021 has been quite the year for me. As it draws to a close, here are eight lessons I’ve learned along the way:

1. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them, don’t live in them.
   

2. The hallowed ground of leadership is when you are trusted, not when you are followed.
   

3. Learn more. Teach less.
   

4. The gift to teach is different than the gift to talk. One inspires, the other irritates. Know the difference.
   

5. Don’t wait to address an issue. Avoidance doesn’t create peace, it creates tension.
   

6. Develop an inner circle where at least one person is not impressed with you.
   

7. Lead like you’re creating memories, because you are.
   

8. Keep growing. Keep going.

Lessons, one year later…

A few weeks ago, I celebrated one year as the lead pastor of Christ Family Worship Assembly (CFWA) in West Palm Beach, Florida. As I reflect on the past year, and my experience of leading an existing church, here’s what I’ve learned:

• Build trust before you try to build ministry.

• You will pay for assuming. It costs less to pay attention.

• You’re not a pastor because you share a message. You’re a pastor because you share experiences.

• As a pastor, you need two things: tough skin and a soft heart.

• Values are either actual or aspirational. Discern the difference and decide which you want.

• We is always better than me.

• Pastor like it’s a marathon, because it is.

2020: I See A Problem.

The United States is divided. The irony.
Elections have a way of revealing the division that exists in our country. I don’t believe politics create division, any more than money creates selfishness. They reveal what’s in the heart. Politics don’t divide, it provides an opportunity to show the very real differences people have. Differences that should be embraced, but that’s not really the point here.

I see a problem. I hear many people calling for unity in our nation. Even some church leaders (I’m a church leader, for the record) are calling for unity because of the racial, political and philosophical division that are glaringly obvious. But, I see a problem. People have a way of overestimating their ability, while underestimating problems. The division that exists in our country (and churches) are more like fractured fault lines in stone, rather than drawn out lines in sand. This just won’t wash away.

The only thing worse than division, is the denial of division. As much as we’d like to, we can’t wish 2020 away. In fact, many thought this year would bring 2020 vision. It did - but not how we expected. I see a problem.

This year has been the great revealer. Some relationships won’t be the same. Some issues are now too big for the rug they’ve been under. That’s actually not a bad thing. We need this reality check. Division is a reality - the Apostle Paul thought as much and I believe him (1 Corinthians 11:18-19). Unless people agree on the major things, minor things will always divide. Unless we have shared history and shared language, there won’t be true comm-unity.

I see a problem. But, I also see a better way..do you?

Why Influence Is Better Than Power

Imagine you have total power, and then you decide to share it with nine others. You now have one-tenth of the power with which you began. Imagine, by contrast, that you have a certain measure of influence, and now you share it with nine others. How much do you have left? Not less. In fact, more. Initially there was only one of you; now there are ten. Your influence has spread. Power operates by division, influence by multiplication. With power, the more we share, the less we have. With influence, the more we share, the more we have.

- Rabbi Jonathan Sacks

Ways to nullify Leadership: Indiscretion

While there are many ways to nullify leadership, indiscretion is always near the top of the list. Leaders who don’t practice discretion will find themselves in shallow relationships. This, I believe, is a matter of integrity. By the way, integrity is more than just telling the truth. It is not telling truth shared with you in confidence. This is, for sure, a leadership killer. As the saying goes, “loose lips sink ships”.

A leader with loose lips lives in an environment of loose relationships, with nothing other than positional authority. When leaders find themselves saying “I don’t know why my team won’t share things with me”, chances are they lack confidence in the discretion of the leader.

Leadership influence is forged within an environment of safety and trust. Don’t be that leader who betrays it.

Ministry & Mental Health

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” - African Proverb

The quote above summarizes one of our family values. Values are meant to be lived out and not merely talked about. As a result, there is a new resource I’d like to tell you about!

My wife, Ariel, and I are collaborating to provide a resource geared towards helping people help themselves and others. We felt it was an important time to address issues that many people are facing during this COVID-19 season. For those that don’t know, Ariel is a Clinical Sexologist and licensed Mental Health Therapist. Her experience, wisdom and knowledge adds value to everyone she meets - I’m biased, but not kidding.

On Facebook, we’ve created a page called Ministry & Mental Health as the initial starting point for this initiative. Tomorrow at 11am, we’ll be having a live discussion on grief and I really think it would be beneficial. Feel free to like the page, watch some of the videos we’ve posted so far, share with a friend and stay tuned!

Click here to go to the page!

Lead Where You Are

More often than not, leadership is about the future. That is to say, it is aspirational in its framework. We learn and grow in our leadership so that we can be better leaders in the future - near or distant future. We usually have a mental picture (vision) of what our leadership will look like and the context in which it will be exercised. There is nothing wrong with that, however we shouldn’t sacrifice the present for the future.
I thought about this as I read the following lines from a 20th century Christian hymn by Ina Ogden:

Do not wait until some deed of greatness you may do. Do not wait to shed your light afar. To the many duties ever near you now be true; brighten the corner where you are.

Here’s the point: Don’t wait to lead. Lead where you are. Don’t wait for a title or position. The opportunities to lead, and lead well, are around us. Let’s take advantage of them!

One Misconception About Vision

Vision and leadership seem to play in the same sandbox. It is unlikely you can talk about one without alluding to the other. During a conversation with my wife, she shared a powerful lesson about one particular misconception some leaders have about vision.

It is important for leaders to have vision - I doubt I’ll get any objections there. However, vision doesn’t always originate from the mind (or any other faculty) of one leader. More often than not, vision is born from collaborating with others. In fact, the best idea or vision may come from someone else, even though you are the main leader or “visionary”. This is very likely if you have been leading for an extended period of time. I’ve seen leaders catch their proverbial second wind because of the vision and dream of someone else. This dynamic leads to all sorts of issues, if not managed well.

Leaders need to see themselves as not only creators of vision but also incubators and nurturers of vision. You can’t lead or have vision alone in a vacuum. There is no “I” in team, nor are there any one set of eyes. If you lead other leaders, you will recognize that. When was the last time you collaborated on vision with someone else?

Failing In Love

Every day I put love on the line. There is nothing I am less good at than love. I am far better in competition than in love. I am far better at responding to my instincts and ambitions to get ahead and make my mark than I am at figuring out how to love another. I am schooled and trained in acquisitive skills, in getting my own way. And yet I decide, every day, to set aside what I can do best and attempt what I do very clumsily – open myself to the frustrations and failures of loving, daring to believe that failing in love is better than succeeding in pride.

-Eugene Peterson